Separation and Stranger Anxiety
No one wants to see a heartbroken grandparent. There they are, the happy grandma and grandpa, ready to cherish and participate in your kiddo’s 1-year birthday. But every time you try to give little Johnny over to Grandpa Joe, the waterworks and screaming start. First, make sure to comfort grandma and grandpa and reassure them that this is a very normal part of development. Over the next few months, this stranger anxiety will start to fade away, and little Johnny will lovingly run to his grandparents with open arms.
Once kids are able to start getting away from their parents due to increased mobility (crawling, cruising, walking), their brains realize this and turn on a part that is pretty wary of anything new. I mean, it makes sense; if they were running off into the jungle in cavepeople days, you wouldn’t want them running to give a big old bear a hug. Classically, around 9 months, the stranger anxiety starts in full force for protection/self-preservation. And oh, it can be dramatic; let me tell you. As a pediatrician, I just know that if I go into a room with a 9-month-old to 2.5-year-old, there will most likely be screaming, crying, and kicking in order to get away from me and my otoscope. But I take it in stride because I know this is very developmentally appropriate, and I even try to get a sense of healthy safety attachment that kids will demonstrate during this time towards their parents to let me know that a good amount of support and attentiveness are happening at home. I always reassure parents during this time period that I don’t take it personally, and their kiddos should be highly skeptical of this redheaded weirdo coming at them with these crazy looking doctor tools. When they are 3 years old, they will love coming to clinic again or at least tolerate it okay.
This stranger anxiety can also show up when you are leaving a kiddo off at preschool or with the babysitter during this time period, even if their teacher or their babysitter is not a stranger. We term this separation anxiety, also a very normal part of development that usually occurs a bit sooner than stranger anxiety. What little Janie is doing here when she is crying her head off to be picked up no matter how many times you put her down is that, with good parental attachment, she would prefer to stay with her parent and not try something new. She knows that when she was younger, she cried and pretty much got her way—so here we are. Kiddos are also not usually verbal at this time, and even though you’re explaining to them what is going on and that you will be right back, they can’t necessarily vocalize their opinion other than screaming their heads off. This will then get their parent(s) embarrassed, and they try to do everything to stop them from crying in front of the preschool teacher. So they pick them up to try and calm them and boom! We have now planted in that kiddo’s head that all that crying and screaming was worth it. I got what I wanted, and it was obviously a mistake that they were going to leave me with those people.
Kids at this age are amazing at reading the psychological temperature of a room. If they sense that a parent is anxious, they will take it as Oh, my parent is anxious because something is obviously dangerous, and I need to do everything I can to stay out of this room or situation. We have all seen this. The families at the preschool or birthday party that have the toughest time getting their little kiddo out playing with the other people at the party are usually the ones that you can sense are already anxious about the idea of dropping their kiddo off to begin with. The kids that most easily go to hang with their preschool friends are those who are super nonchalant about pickup and drop-off. Those kiddos did not sense that same level of anxiety and did not get the vibe that this place was a possible death trap and are thus way easier to get out to play and interact with other kids and adults. So the best thing to do is keep drop-offs as short and as nondescript as possible, so quick and socially dry that it is almost a blur that they were even dropped off at all. Even with this technique, for the first few times at drop-off, the kiddos will mount this response; however, the more you keep with the chill plan, the faster that behavior will drop off during drop-off.