Tantrums

Remember the law enforcement mantra: We don’t negotiate with terrorists. 

Tantrums are a very real and very normal part of brain development for kids. Usually starting between the ages of 18-24 months, these all-out freak-outs over what seem to be the tiniest things are the nightmares of parents and caretakers. At this time, kids are supposed to be working out their fight-or-flight responses while at the same time developing preferences, likes and dislikes. Additionally, they are just starting to get a grasp of language and words as a means of communication. Luckily, we don’t have any lions or tigers to worry about on a daily basis to train our fight-or-flight response. So the brain picks other things that it thinks may be an emergency. You know, such life-or-death situations as “I want chocolate for breakfast” or “I want to wear the shirt I wore yesterday!” 

As a parent, it is time to readjust parenting and coping techniques to help handle these monstrous outbursts. Many parents will naturally go from being the “referee” to being the “sports announcer.“ A referee gets right into the action, stops the fight, and solves the conflict for the players; a sports announcer just calls it as they see it. For example, a referee-style parent would respond to the freak-out of “I want chocolate for breakfast!” by trying their best (in a panicked and anxious state) to fruitlessly negotiate with their kiddo to stop freaking out by offering concessions such as extra syrup on the pancakes. Okay, that was a no-go?  How about a couple of chocolate chips in the pancakes? That won’t cut it either?  How ‘bout some chocolate syrup on the pancakes; I mean, syrup is syrup, right? Still no deal?  Of course not. Once your kiddo goes into a full tantrum, their fight-or-flight center of the brain takes over. While you are making concessions and begging your child to stop the theatrics, they don’t even hear or register what you are saying until that acute stress response peters out.  So please, just save your breath and move to being the sports announcer. 

The sports announcer parent will see their child freaking out about chocolate for breakfast, take a step back, and in a calm, even voice say, “Ok, I see that you are freaking out. I think it is because you want chocolate for breakfast. When you are done freaking out, we can talk about good options for breakfast.” Your freaking-out child needs to see that just because they raise the temperature and anxiety level of the room, you are not doing the same. This does two things. One, it provides the kid’s fight-or-flight part of the brain feedback: my parents are not freaking out, so maybe this is not a big deal like a bear trying to eat me. Good to know and noted. Thank you for the feedback, calm and collected parents. Two, when parents are cool as cucumbers, it shows your little gremlin that no matter how much extra energy they put into their tirade, you ain’t budging. So the brain gets a second signal that informs the energy centers of the body that this is a lot of extra energy work I am putting in for zero reward. There has to be a better way to do this. 

Now as a sports announcer, you can’t leave the game. Same with a kiddo having a tantrum. You gotta stay in the vicinity so if they need to hug it out, they can hug it out. Or to at least give them a sense that when they freak out, you are there for them if needed, but you are there for comfort not for bending to their will. Consistency is the name of the game. The more consistent a family and all the caretakers for the kiddo are with this technique or something similar, the faster a kiddo will learn the wrong and right way to get what they desire. They will slowly learn what the good options are (when there is room for options), but also what situations really have no other options, most notably safety things. For example, no ifs, ands, or buts, you need to hold an adult’s hand when crossing the street, and even if you throw a tantrum, I am throwing you over my shoulder; there are no other options when it comes to safety, dude. 

In summary, tantrums are very normal and very stressful/annoying, and all families go through them in one way or another.  Step one in handling them is to take your own blood pressure; i.e., make sure you are calm and collected before you try to get your kiddo calm and collected. They read body language better than any psychologist at this age, and if you look like Joe/Jane Cool, they will cool down faster. Then, announce the game and wait. Once they calm down, you can chitchat about good options. And finally, don’t give in. Stay strong; you got this! And soon your kiddo’s temper tantrums will be few and far between, just in time for the three-nager stage. Yay…